Being a fan of cramming things in my piehole means I read things on the internet about stuff to cram in there. A lot. And I vicariously devour the photos and the recipes, bones, hair and all. Okay, there’s no bony or hairy recipes I’m into, it’s a fucking metaphor. Just listen for a minute.
You know how on all the competition shows they’re always trying to find the next thing? Something that hasn’t been done. Something that seems crazy, but just might work? Yeah, that foodie orgasm so elusive that people pay a 500% mark-up after waiting in line for hours even with a reservation? That thing that has “chefs” serving foams and flavored air and calling it food? Godammit cut that shit out.
I’m all for science, but some of this crap is more like Scientology. They force you to believe you’re experiencing something above the level of human understanding and snob-it-up enough to give it the illusion of ethereal bliss, but what you wind-up with is a blob of goo and an empty wallet.
Then for dessert, they give you this:
That’s cilantro on a piece of pie. Fuck you! I don’t want your lawn clippings on my pie. Also, that is not a piece of pie. I bet it costs $4000, too. Pardonnez-moi, €4000. I don’t want rosemary in my ice cream. I don’t want tarragon in my cheesecake. Stop herbing my dessert.
I understand there’s a place for inventive chefery and if it results in a successful pairing of flavors, go for it. It will stand the test of time. But when the local watering hole tries to embrace the trend with their “Herbed Grapefruit Margarita,” it makes it difficult to keep a straight face. Show your prowess with classic flavors and surprise with new ideas but stop trying to shock and awe the hungry masses. There’s a reason people dislike that phrase. It’s unecessary and boastful and something Donald Rumsfield would be into. No one wants that, man. No one.
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