Caprese salad (cap ray say sal ad) is one of the easiest salads to prepare that will make your friends think you’re classy. You aren’t, but lets face it, your friends are classless toads and easily impressed. Plus it’s motherfucking delicious.
The ingredients are simple:
Fresh Tomatoes (4): I prefer romas, but if you want to get weird with some heirlooms, go fuckin’ nuts. If you use canned tomatoes your salad turn into soup and everyone will hate you. EVERYONE.
Red Onion (1/2): Even if you don’t like red onion (you fucking wimp), you need to add a little bit to this salad.
Fresh Buffalo Mozzarella (8 oz): If you use anything but fresh mozzarella (ie: shredded, block, sliced, etc) you just killed your salad and any chance of being respected as a human being. Seriously, it’s only like $5, dig deep into those pockets.
Fresh Basil (handful): Again, using dried basil will make this taste like crap on a plate. Tip: BUY A BASIL PLANT! They are like $1.99 and if you plant it in the spring you’ll have fresh basil all summer. I’m a firm believer in the philosophy that there is no such thing as too much basil, so feel free to really basil the fuck out of this thing.
Balsamic Vinaigrette: You can make your own, or you can go store bought. I use Newman’s Own because I can’t resist Paul Newman’s dashingly handsome face on the bottle.
Bread: Focaccia is good, or something with asiago cheese in it. Pick a bread that’s full of fat. Put your Wonder Bread back in the drawer, that is just rude.
To Prepare:
Wedge the tomatoes to a size just big enough to choke on (nothing livens up a party like a little Heimlich maneuver). Chop the onion into strips, about ¼ inch wide. Cut the mozzarella into equally choke-able pieces as the tomatoes. And finely chop the basil. Mix it all in a bowl with some fresh ground pepper. Add a few splashes of the vinaigrette and mix some more until everything is coated.
Arrange your bread on a plate in some fancy manner (make a star or a clover or a fucking rainbow for all I care) and spoon the salad over the top. Go easy on the dressing, you don’t want to mushify your bread. Grind some more pepper over the top and you’re done!
All your friends will undoubtedly tell you how good it looks and probably throw money and gold and diamonds at you. This is normal, you’ll get used to it. But no matter what they do, DO NOT GIVE THEM THE RECIPE! If they knew how easy this was to make then all that work you did to appear classy is lost.
Notes
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my friends they would say, “What...fuck, librariansoul, an insalata caprese doesn’t have...
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