The Food Network? Again? Gird your marinated...

10:17 am - Sat, Jun 25, 2011: 70 notes

The Food Network? Again? Gird your marinated loins because I’m about to spew my personal opinions about Food Network programming all over your internet.

It’s comforting to think your opinion is shared by others, especially if you’re included in the majority. Validation. Yay! Then the subject changes to politics or something equally as volatile and everything rapidly deteriorates.

Food is a lightning rod for controversy. The exception is Sandra Fucking Lee. It seems she’s universally reviled. But there are others on The Food Network I’d consider weird or horrible or bags of douchery with whom others seem perfectly content to “watch” and “enjoy.”

Motherfucking Guy Fieri. I admit I get sucked into Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and the interesting establishments featured therein, but Guy Fieri is all up in there looking Ska-rrific.

Will you look at this fucking asshole? I’ve got some Goomba uncles who take pride in the perfect pinkie ring, but dude, this ain’t no disco. Look at the bling! And he has a NASCAR-themed kitchen. I said he has a NASCAR-themed kitchen. That sentence shouldn’t even be possible. And the lingo. “Off the hizzook!” “Let’s get our brown on.” “This is money!” No it isn’t money, it’s a cheeseburger, Guy Fieri.

But, unlike Sandra Fucking Lee, Guy Fieri can cook. He can handle knives and peppers some knowledge into his schtick as he prepares a recipe. I watched several segments of Guy’s Big Bite, waiting for the food to suck. I want to report that it’s awful, but I cannot. The recipe for the Cajun Chicken Alfredo in the image above has five stars from viewers and over 350 comments like:

The ingredients were affordable, the recipe was easy to follow and my family loved it!

Guy Fieri, while being a colossal douche, fills a niche on the Food Network.

Rachel Fucking Ray. I don’t know about you, but this muppet horrifies me. I feel certain her jaw will one day unhinge mid-sentence and she’ll try to eat the television camera. They don’t show much $40 a Day on The Food Network lately. My theory is there were death threats from waitstaff the world over due to her measly tipping practices. Who leaves a 74¢ tip, Rachel Ray? People who want to get murdered by a waiter, that’s who.

Thirty Minute Meals is still thriving. Maybe it’s because I have an aversion to orange decor. Maybe it’s her “pack-a-day” gravelly voice. Maybe it’s her insistence that we accept her insipid terminology. She’ll say, “E-V-O-O” and immediately follow with, “Extra Virgin Olive Oil.” You just wasted my time trying to coin a phrase. And insisting we call hearty soups, “STOUP.” No I will not! And “sammie” not only has horrible mouthfeel, it has the same number of syllables as “sandwich.” And “YUM-O” sounds like something used to remove sticky residue. You are an awful phrase-coiner, Rachel Ray!

Guess what? Rachel can cook. She admits she’s not classically trained and hates baking because it requires precision. She likes to “eyeball” measurements. Like your mom. Most home cooks employ this tactic. Also your mom likes balls. Rachel can use knives and shares helpful advice on how to stretch your food dollar. She’s adept at adjusting recipes to include lower fat/calorie content with as much appeal as the original recipe. Her recipes are tasty, affordable and popular as demonstrated in the recipe for Chicken Satay Stir-Fry with Orange Scented Jasmine Rice, pictured above. More than 250 viewers gave it five stars.

All this objectivity is painful. The Food Network is a melting pot. Like America. You have to take the good hosts with the hosts who wear bling and/or unhinge their jaws to suck balls. Just ask your mom.