The Food Network is a study in contrasts. At...

11:37 am - Sun, Jun 12, 2011: 102 notes

The Food Network is a study in contrasts. At times, a Cathedral for the foodie, showcasing gourmet cuisine and rustic, traditional dishes prepared in perfectly appointed kitchens. Other times, a calvalcade of sub-par concoctions presented by talentless assholes.

To demonstrate my point, let’s compare two veteran Food Network programs.

Check out those title graphics. One resembles a Matisse painting, the other a BeDazzler ad.

On Good Eats, Alton Brown reveals the science behind cooking. Do you know the temperature at which butter and various cooking oils reach their smoke point? Alton does. Do you know the mixtures that can be separated into their components by mechanical means and those that cannot? Alton does. He not only gives specific directions to complete a recipe, he makes us understand its chemistry. He helps us learn and entertains at the same time.

“When proteins get hot they tend to tangle up tighter than teenagers at a dance. And when they bond up tight enough, they over coagulate. And when they over coagulate, they can curdle. And any cook or parent will tell you that leads to trouble.” (Good Milk gone Bad episode)

“Now, medium starch potatoes do look kind of like Russets but they always have a lighter kind of thinner skin. Now, varieties like this Yukon Gold, Kennebecs, Superiors or, say, these California Longs are for some reason always marketed as white. Racism. It’s ugly. Even in tubers.” (This Spud’s for You, Too episode)

SCIENCE!

If you don’t take away some kind of useful knowledge from an episode of Good Eats, it’s not because Alton didn’t provide you with the fucking tools. He’s not a posuer, like some people on that channel.

Which brings us to Sandra Fucking Lee. She’s just waiting to fucking ruin everything with Semi-Homemade Cooking. 70% ready made and 30% fresh ingredients. Are you fucking kidding me with that bullshit? She makes it seem like she’s doing you a favor by giving advice on how to shit all over already perfectly edible food.

Take, for instance, Sandra’s Italian-style Macaroni and Cheese.

Ingredients:

1 Box of mac ‘n’ cheese mix
2 tablespoons butter
1 cup Italian-style breadcrumbs.

Now I’m no Alton Brown, but the 70/30 ratio seems a bit askew in this recipe. And using motherfucking Italian-style breadcrumbs from a box in no way makes your perfectly fine on its own Kraft Macaroni and Cheese an Italian-style meal. Much like the recipe for a rainbow isn’t:

1 bag of Skittles
1 my mouth

Not only is she not a chef, she seems rushed and uncomfortable as she “cooks.” And her insipid decor to match the theme of what she’s cooking is nothing if not Stepfordian. The comments below her recipes manage to communicate a similar message.

“Disgusting. I made it thinking it would jazz up Mac and Cheese and it was a disaster. It was so dry and inedible that I ended up throwing it out. Don’t make this. It is a waste of your time and money. Also, how could this possibly be one of her TOP recipes?”

Oh, and don’t even get me started on her tablescapes. Who the fuck looks at a table and thinks “I must scape this table, forthwith!” Batshit crazy Sandra Fucking Lee, that’s who.

How could anyone fucking relax at that table? It looks the way I imagine Björk feels at all times.

So take care, gentle reader, when navigating the landscape of Food Network programming. Stick to a sure-footed path with a knowledgeable guide lest you stumble into a perilous tablescape, never to be seen again.