The Spicy Bacon Beefsteak Sandwich

4:49 pm - Thu, May 26, 2011: 47 notes

The Spicy Bacon Beefsteak Sandwich

Fuck arteries.

Seriously, fuck those little bastards. What do they do? Nothing. They just get all clogged up when I eat delicious food and give my doctor an excuse to be an asshole. Pricks.

The way I see it, if my arteries can’t man up and handle a little red meat and bacon grease, they don’t deserve to carry my awesome blood. And it is in this spirit that I present to you …

The Spicy Bacon Beefsteak Sandwich
(a.k.a. It’s Like My Favorite Celebrity Just Came In My Mouth)

Ingredients:

5 strips of bacon. Three of these go on the sandwich and you eat the other two while cooking because, seriously, who the fuck wants to wait to eat bacon?

1 cube steak. I don’t have anything funny to say about cube steak.

1/2 of a white onion. Since you can’t usually buy only half of an onion, sneak a large knife into the grocery store with you, cut an onion in half, and then sneak it out of the store. LIKE A BOSS.

1 slice Provolone cheese. Or two slices. Look, just get some goddamn cheese.

Spicy Mayo (recipe follows)

Hoagie roll or sliced bread

To prepare:

1.) Lay the five strips of bacon in a non-stick skillet and turn the heat onto medium.

Yes, medium. We don’t want to cook them too quickly or at too high a heat because we have PLANS for the delectable bacon grease. Cook the bacon until it is browned and fairly crispy. Even if you prefer your bacon a little more on the fatty side, cook it until it’s well done, so we have more fat in the pan.

2.) While the bacon is cooking, slice the onion. Doesn’t need to be diced, just cut it in strips.

3.) When the bacon is done, remove it from the pan and set it on paper towels to drain. Add the onion to the skillet.

THAT’S RIGHT, BITCHES, I’M COOKING ONIONS IN BACON GREASE. I’ll understand if you feel the need to tear my clothes off and do me right here on the kitchen floor.

Saute the onions until they are soft … about 6 or 7 minutes.

4.) While the onions cook, prepare the cube steak. If you’re using regular sliced bread, you can keep it whole, but if you’re using a sandwich roll, you’ll want to cut it in half. Season each side with salt and pepper, and then dredge them in flour. Shake off any excess flour and set aside.

5.) When the onions are done, remove them from the pan using a slotted spoon to preserve as much bacon grease as possible. Turn the heat up to medium high and add the cube steak.

YES, MOTHERFUCKERS, I’M COOKING BEEF IN ONION-INFUSED BACON GREASE. Marriage proposals will be considered on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Heh. “First come.”

6.) While the beefsteak cooks, prepare the spicy mayonnaise. You’ll need the following ingredients:

What, did you think I was going to have you make mayo by hand with egg and oil and shit? Fuck that noise. In a small bowl, combine precisely one glop of mayo with approximately a few good shakes of Tabasco. Stir to combine and then taste. If it’s not spicy enough, add more Tabasco. If it’s too spicy, fuck off and die.

7.) Cook the cube steak until it’s just cooked through … about four minutes per side. Remove from the skillet using tongs, shaking it just slightly to let any excess grease drip away.

8.) Slather each side of your bread with the spicy mayo. Lay the cube steak on the bottom half of your bread and top with onions. Next, add the cheese … enough that it covers the onions, and let the heat from the steak melt the cheese a little. Top with bacon and the remaining slice of bread (or top half of the sandwich roll).