Meat for Two
Let’s say you are expecting a lady/gentleman caller.
Let’s say you have 5 hours before they arrive.
Here’s your breakdown of those 5 hours:
Get yourself a 3-4 lb roast, or preferably brisket from your local butcher. Get yourself 3-4 Anaheim Green Chiles. Now you can substitute jalapeños if you like, which will add heat, but subtract flavor, or you can use some canned, chopped green chiles, but thats for chumps, and the desperate.
Grab a Portishead CD, and probably some Joe, or even some early Guy and Bobby Brown, and definitely a few Zero 7 tracks. Pick up a white onion, some foil, a broiling pan, and some garlic. Grab an oil burner with those little tealite candles and a bottle of oil that has a good clean scent. Pick up some sides, maybe some potato salad and some rolls or biscuits.
Last, but not least, grab a medium sized bottle of your favorite barbecue sauce. I prefer Sweet Baby Ray’s, because anyone with that name has got to know something about barbecue sauce. Or jazz. Or pimpin. Probably has some good weed too, but save the weed for after the cooking.
Set your oven to 350-375, depending on how fast you want this thing to cook. Sometimes it’s good to take it slow, sometimes you need a quickie, it’s up to you and your situation.
So, lets start to cleanin & choppin the vegetables. You should mince the garlic, chop up the onions (however you like to cut them) and chiles (shortwise) in decent size pieces. DO NOT CLEAN OUT THE CHILE SEEDS. Leave them in. That’s how this taste creation is conceived. Sometimes I chop up a chile lengthwise so I can stick it under the beef as it cooks.
ANYWAY, Create yourself a double wide setting of foil and seal the two pieces together with a couple small folds. Place the beef on the foil, and do not cut the fat off. You need to accept this meat as it is. Then slather some of the barbecue sauce on there. Use about a third of the bottle in this slathering exercise. Rub that shit in nice and smooth like. Use this as a warm up for later when you’ll be massaging your partner in the lead up to sexual congress.
Sprinkle the onions and garlic and chiles on the beef that’s been slathered in sauce. Squirt some more sauce on the whole thing. Then when you’ve done that, wrap that meat up in the foil, sealing it up as best as you can. That way the flavor and juices have nowhere to escape, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Place that envelope of love in the broil pan, and then cover that up with foil. I know it may seem redundant, but trust me, the meat needs to feel secure, protected, and loved. Slide that beef in the oven and let it get to cookin. Take some time to chuckle at the fact that you’re sliding beef in the oven. Maybe even call it “The Oven O’ Love” or something.
Now it’s time to get to work on the rest of your place. Vacuum. Dust. Make sure you have fresh sheets and fresh towels available and ready to go. Pour a few drops of that oil on the burner in your bedroom and light it up, so that it will counter any aroma coming from the kitchen. You want the bedroom to be inviting, and not smelling like food, for in there your date will be the main course.
After about two hours, check on the beef. It should be browning nicely, and remember to double seal things back up, maybe taking the juice and moistening the meat up before sliding it back in. (Yeah, I know what I just said)
Now it’s time for self preparation. Throw in some old Bobby Brown and take a nice shower. Trim what needs to be trimmed, sing about tenderoni’s and how they smell of sweet perfume and shit. Put on some good clothes. Nothing too fancy as it will be hard to take off later, but something nice and casual.
Go back and check on the meat. It should have been in there for about 3 hours now, and should be getting close to done. Cut it up and see what the insides look like. As I’ve said before I like my steak like I like my women, with a little pink on the inside, but your this isn’t a steak. Cook it until it’s done, and with the sealed foil all around it, the juices just stay put, keeping it moist, even if you overdo it on the cooking time.
Once it’s done you can turn off the oven and let stay warm in there, while you await your date. Do a final sweep of your place, making sure nothing embarrassing is left out, like weird porn magazines that “your friend asked you to keep”. Regular porn is all good, but not out in the open. Only creeps do that. Regular people keep their kinks under wraps.
Now your date arrives. Before you open the door, blow out your oil candle burner, and start playing your leg-spreading playlist. Open the door, smile, kiss, hug whatever, and lead them to the dinner table. Take your roast or brisket out of the oven and cut it with the grain, and add the sides. Ask them how their day was and if they had any trouble finding your place. If so, discuss some alternate routes, as you’d like to have them back for more sessions of sexual congress if this one goes well. (Keep that last thought to yourself, though as it may not be conducive to further sessions.)
Look at your date. Smile. Eat. Ask if they need more to drink. Talk about cool shit. Listen to Zero 7 in the background. Make them laugh, but be careful to wait until they don’t have anything in their mouth as it will probably shoot right at you if they laugh hard enough. Trust me, chewed up food or wine is not what you want all up in your grill tonight.
Talk some more. Pick up the plates. Bring out the dessert. If you didn’t think of dessert before, well I’m sorry as that shit should be a given. You don’t deserve a date if you didn’t think of dessert. COME ON NOW.
Smile more. Eat the dessert. Let the leg-spreading music continue. Throw on a little Guy and chill. Settle down. Lead them to the bedroom.
And then you do it.
Notes
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