intervention
I love fruits and vegetables. Always have, always will.
But let’s be honest about the fresh produce family: they think they’re a pretty big fucking deal.
Yes, fruits and veggies are absurdly, ridiculously good for you. They’re beautiful, and photogenic. And most of them are delicious.
But with so much to brag about, somebody’s ego has gotten a little out of control. The truth is, fresh fruits and veggies think their ass weighs a ton. If we’d gone to high school with them, we would’ve hated these jerks. Ooh look at me! I can prevent cancer! I can sit on top of ice cream sundaes! I’m a penis substitute!
If we’re all going to share the planet with them, I think we’re gonna have to ask these roots and seeds to bring it down a couple notches.
It’s time for an intervention, served up family style.
1. The high maintenance bit has got to stop. Fruits and veggies wanted prime real estate in the fridge, so we gave them a drawer or two. And what thanks do we get? That drawer isn’t good enough for some of them. The tomatoes want counter space, the peaches need to be room temperature until they’re ripe, and then we can refrigerate them. Oh ok, peaches, let me call off work to wait until you’re ready to be put in the fridge. PRIMA DONNAS, I tell you.
If all living things are evolving, you need to evolve too, fresh strawberries, because you are goddamn delicious. Is it too much to ask that you and the blueberries not get deflated before I can eat all of you? I need you to stick around for at least a couple weeks. Can’t you pick a role model, like Cheetos? Never once have my Cheetos been like, oh, sorry, I’m furry with mold and deflated, please love me. Never once! You’re fruit. You’re rich in nutrients and high in fiber. You’ve probably got an IQ way higher than mine. So I know you can self-preserve a little better if you just put your mind to it. Maybe you just need a little encouragement, so I’m here to tell you, I believe in you. I also believe my produce drawers make excellent beer storage, and beer doesn’t rot, so get your act together.
2. Get organized. Are you a fruit or a vegetable? Because we can barely tell half the time. Re-establish your brand, and make your identity clear. We need you to be a no-brainer, like Pop-Tarts. And while you’re at it, how about a little nutritional equality? I’m looking at you, corn. You’re a vegetable, but you’re a starch, and you make my belly flabby. Why can’t you be more low-carb like broccoli and still taste like deliciously buttered yellow goodness? You need organization. You need civil disobedience. You and potatoes should stop sticking to our ribs, and start sticking it to the man. Does César Chávez have to do everything for you guys?
3. Clothes for small children featuring cute slabs of meat. Yes, that’s right. There’s nothing cuter than a little girl wearing a sunny yellow sundress with two happy smiling cherries on it… OR IS THERE?? Why do fruits get to be the cute ones? Why are we pumping their egos? What about happy smiling meatballs? I, for one, am adorable. And I’d be perfectly happy wearing a sunny yellow sundress with two happy smiling meatballs on it, or happy smiling filets or bacon slabs, just to show the happy smiling cherries and strawberries what’s what.
Things have gotten so out of hand between Steve Jobs and this keeping the doctor away biz, I don’t even think we can get started on that narcissistic beast the apple. It’s gonna need its own intervention. But we have to start somewhere. Somebody call them all into the living room quick before they go bad, and we’ll get started.
Notes
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veggies, you’ve had
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haven’t posted...lately. (You’re welcome.) So given that being hostile toward
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