OCD: Obsessive Chef Devices That wall. You know...

4:01 pm - Tue, Apr 5, 2011: 19 notes

OCD: Obsessive Chef Devices

That wall. You know the wall I’m talking about. Kitchen Gadgets. It looms spectrally before you in Bed, Bath & Beyond or Williams Sonoma. All those glorious tools, shiny and inviting and necessary. If you think like that, you’re probably enjoying an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives right now and relish the opportunity to use off the chain to describe your burrito. Don’t be a douche.

Now, that beauty up there is a useful gadget for those among us who enjoy precision dices and LOOK A PROTRACTOR!

Take these two, for instance. On the left, you have a cherry pitter. WTF? If you have time to sit around feeding one cherry at a time into this thing, we can’t be friends. Personally, I enjoy launching a cherry pit from my mouth hole in the direction of assholes using stupid gadgets. The pineapple corer, on the other hand, is not only useful, but it doubles as a weapon. Look at it, spiraling that pineapple. That pineapple didn’t know what hit it.

Are you kidding me? A digital measuring spoon that requires the same steps as a conventional measuring spoon, but with added button pushing and reading and THIS IS NOT THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER. I JUST WANT BROWNIES! People* who use digital measuring spoons, allow me to introduce you to my mashed potatoes via the ZING spoon. Target tracking locked…launch…BULLSEYE!

My much belabored point being, don’t waste your money and my patience on goofy gadgets that will clutter your kitchen and encourage assholes to continue inventing them.

*People who are disabled and benefit from the use of such digital devices are, of course, exempt from my scorn.