Making burgers using the Smash Technique
Cheeseburgers. Is there anything more perfect on this planet?
A child’s love? Fuck that. Give me a cheeseburger.
Burgers have undergone a lot of transformation in recent years. A lot of hoity-toity chefs have started making gourmet burgers and serving them on crusty rolls and putting blue cheese and arugula and other bullshit ingredients on this once-great classic.
It’s time we take the burger back. Now, look, I’m all for a thick, juicy burger that comes off your grill in the backyard, but if we’re really going to be bringing sexy back, it’s time to look to the true champions of burgerhood: those sweaty fat guys with hairy shoulders that work in greasy spoon diners. These unsung heroes don’t need fancy equipment or even an open flame. They just need a griddle and a spatula.
And they use the Smash Technique.
The Smash Technique will give you a thin burger with crispy edges, but that’s still juicy enough that you’ll have burger jizz dribbling down your chin. And because they’re thin, they’re easy to stack, so you can still get a lot of meat between your buns, just like in your favorite gay porn movie.
Before starting, you’ll need to make sure you have all this stuff.
Equipment:
- A fucking griddle - An electric griddle is fine, but one that you put on the stovetop works well, too. If you don’t have a griddle, a skillet will work. A cast iron one is ideal. Non-stick cookware should be used as a last resort because you want a good sear on the burgers. And if you can’t handle a little sticking, then fuck off and die so the human race can get stronger.
- A goddamn spatula - The best kind to use is a solid metal spatula. Not something with grooves or holes or whatever the fuck. Plastic ones will work, but nothing beats a metal spatula here. You need it to be solid because the spatula will be doing the smashing here, and if it’s got grooves or holes or whatever the fuck, the beef will push through and you don’t want that.
Ingredients:
- Ground chuck - Do NOT fuck with me here. Don’t get any of that candy-ass ground sirloin or ground round. You want chuck. Beautiful, fatty chuck. We want the fuckers to be juicy, right? And don’t buy the pre-ground stuff. Get a solid piece of chuck roast and have the butcher grind it for you. It’s what he’s paid to do so make that guy earn his money. He’s probably driving a Ferrari and banging a supermodel anyway. Dick.
- Kraft fucking Singles - Yeah, that’s right. None of that fancy cheese. We’re going old school here. American cheese, bitches. You know why? Because this is fucking AMERICA and if you don’t use Kraft Singles, the terrorists win.
- Buns, You Asshole - A cheeseburger has to have a carrying case, right? Get these at your grocery store and on this, cheap it up. You don’t want something really thick or weighed down with fancy shit like sesame seeds. The bun isn’t the star of this show. If it was, we’d just be eating bread like a bunch of French assholes. We want simple, white buns.
- Salt - Just salt. No onion powder or celery seed or turmeric or any other whack-ass seasoning. This is all about tasting the beef, so you just need a little salt to bring out the flavor.
- Condifuckingments - Ketchup is a must. Mayo? Sure. Mustard is acceptable, as is any sort of Thousand Island knock-off spread. And if you want lettuce or tomato or onions, fine. I’m not planning on confusing my burger with a salad, but hey, do whatever blows your skirt up.
Here’s what you do:
- Get that griddle hot. I mean hot. If you’re using one on the stovetop, turn the knob to “molten lava.” (If you stove does not have this setting, use “High.”) If you’re using an electric griddle, turn it to “sear.” The point is, get it as hot as possible and give it plenty of time to heat up.
- While the griddle is heating up, form the meat into balls. Don’t pack them too tightly … just roll them gently in your hands until they’re a little bigger than a golf ball. Or an enlarged testicle. Sprinkle with salt (the meat, I mean - not your enlarged testicles).
- Throw the meat balls on the griddle, salted side down. They should immediately do that awesome SSSSSSSSS! shit. If they don’t, then you’ve fucked up. Sprinkle again with salt.
- Cook for about a minute or so. This is an important step because it’s going to hold the patty together when you smash the everliving fuck out of it.
- Flip the meatballs over, so that the browned portion is on top. Using the spatula, smash each meatball until it forms a thin patty. Because we are not cooking these at pansy-ass temperatures, they need to be very thin so they can cook quickly but not burn.
- Cook the burgers for about a minute. Flip them once and put a slice of cheese on each one. Repeat: on each one. I don’t care how many of them you plan to stack on your bun. Every patty gets a slice of cheese. If anybody tells you they don’t want cheese, it is your moral obligation to kill them on the spot.
- After adding the cheese, cook for another minute or so, or until the burgers are cooked through. Once cooked, slide each patty onto a bun. Because they’re thin, you’ll probably need at least two patties per bun. Real men will require no fewer than three. Anyone requesting fewer than two should be forced to eat off the floor.
- Add whatever toppings you like and chow down.
Notes
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