Come Here You Tart and Creamy-Loving Bitches
STOP!
Did you really just put that in your mouth? That gooky, dairy-esque product that proudly proclaims the location of its fruit ‘on the bottom’? That’s not yogurt, honey, and I wouldn’t smear that congealed shit within an inch of my bottom. And ‘fruit’? That’s some sort of sick euphemism for the lifeless mess of purple gunge shot into the bottom of the plastic cup, isn’t it? Don’t be so filthy, I’ll make you wear the mask again. (whipcrack!)
Roll that foul mess over your tongue. Is it separating? Is it so far from being the creamy wet dream it’s meant to be that you have to imagine you’re sucking on something worthwhile, like that one time with your cousin with the wonky eye? Do you taste ‘perfume’ instead of juicy fruits bursting with estival pleasure? THAT’S FUCKING REVOLTING AND I’LL HAVE NONE OF IT. (whipcrack!) Here’s something worthwhile, baby – something achingly delicious that you will lick ravenously from the spoon over and over again like the hungry little beastie you are. LISTEN UP. (whipcrack!)
If you have opposable thumbs and a club card at Ralphs (or Safeway, or CostCo, or Tescos – wherever you get your groceries bagged, sweetie), you can make your own in less time it takes to choke down that vile spooge while you pat yourself on the back for being so ‘healthy’. And these recommendations cover all you lovelies, whether you want that low-, non-, or full-fat yogurt inside you. And you want it inside you, don’t you? PUT THAT YOPLAIT DOWN. (whipcrack!)
Obtain a big container of plain yogurt. I really want you to consider the full-fat variety. Come on, baby – it wants you. It’s not as likely to contain any dirty gelatin or have that slightly skunky taste – you know the one. Do you feel it wants you, baby? Come on – pick it up, caress it. Don’t you know those nutrients are just dying to be inside you right now? Calcium, phosphorus, riboflavin, iodine, B12, B5, zinc, potassium, and protein – they’re lying in wait to do your body good – won’t you take them home with you? There - that’s good, that feels good, doesn’t it baby? Right into your basket. Gooooooood…. NowPAY ATTENTION. (whipcrack!)
What time of year is it? Do you have a plethora of berries stacked high in the produce section waiting seductively in their shiny plastic cases for you to put your hands all over them? Those sexy little balls of sweet and tart flesh are what your unctuous tub of goodness needs to make your taste buds whimper with ecstasy. Oh, but if it’s not the right time of year, don’t be sad, baby – we can go to the frozen fruit section and pick up a bag of frozen raspberries – it’s what we need to do with any berries we add to our yogurt anyway. So freeze them if you’ve bought them fresh. Just trust me. Do you want the blindfold? Come on. Trust me. Theeeere… spread your fresh little berries out on a cookie sheet and put them in the freezer for a few hours, then transfer them to a plastic bag. Now – are all your berries small and hard? Good.
I want you to open up your container and remove some to put in a bowl – just enough for a single serving, maybe a cup, cup and a half. And now, flavor up your yogurt – drop that sugar right in there – 4 tablespoons, minimum, and add a little to the bit you set aside. Don’t be afraid of a little sugar, baby. And now toss in your berries. They’re hard, you say. I know, baby – and hard is *so*good. Whip it up – that’s right, baby – put your back into it – sweat a little. You can do that because your balls are so very hard. Add some berries to the bowl, too.
And now – make it wait. You need to build that anticipation. You need to want it. You DON’T want it badly enough yet. (whipcrack!) Set those aside in the fridge and walk away. You can do other things with your hands while you wait, can’t you, you naughty little bitch, you? YES YOU CAN (whipcrack!) DON THE GIMP-GEAR! (whipcrack!)
Have you waited? Has it been a few hours or overnight? Are you quivering? I know you’re quivering. Come on baby, this is what you wanted. Show me you want it. That’s right, baby, get your spoon. Now open up the container, get your bowl, and mix everything up one more time. Just one more time. That’s all you need. Feels good, doesn’t it? Watch the juices spread, dyeing the silky smooth flesh of your yogurt. That’s why you froze your little berries – so they would give up their juices at this very moment, giving over everything to you so wet and dark and lovely. Just think of that juice in your mouth. Your salivary glands are going crazy aren’t they, sweetie? Oooooh I know you want it now. Mix up that little bit in the bowl. Are you ready? Are you sure? Ok, take it all the way in – open up wide and take it in and feel that lusciousness coat your tongue. Those fresh berries are springtime climaxing in your mouth. Love it, baby – taste that real fruit and sweetness, the mellow, buttery creaminess – taste it all. I SAID TASTE IT. (whipcrack!)
Now put the lid back on your container, or distribute over several smaller containers for individual servings, and store for later. But not too much later. You will want it again very soon, trust me, baby. Just trust me.
Notes
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smileironically reblogged this from lafix and added:
I sure do love a creamy tart
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