How to Poach an Egg
Poached eggs are a wonderful treat. A properly poached egg served on a toasted English muffin is a positively beautiful sight on your breakfast plate. When done well, it’s like a little white pillow filled with gooey yellow love, nestled on a crunchy, golden disc of deliciousness.
And then you can pretend the egg is somebody you don’t like and prick it with your fork and watch the yolk start to ooze out and be like “HAHA, fucker, I’m just gonna watch you bleed! Scream all you want!” and then when you get bored with that you can mash it with your fork and delight as you see the yellow and white entrails of your enemy mashed up on your English muffin and each bite is that much sweeter because you’ve finally evened the score and nobody is laughing at me now, Susan Goldstein, I bet you wished you’d gone to the homecoming dance with me when you had the chance, don’t you, well it’s too late for that now because I am devouring your fucking soul and YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE LAUGHED AT ME WHY DID YOU LAUGH AT ME I LOVED YOU SO MUCH WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO HAPPY TOGETHER
Anyway, a poached egg is a lovely addition to any breakfast menu and one that is sure to impress your friends and family. And contrary to what most people think, it’s remarkably easy to do. To make a poached egg, you will need the following items:
- eggs - You will need one (1) egg for every one (1) poached egg you want to make. If you needed this explained to you, you are probably not smart enough to poach eggs. Also, the fresher the egg, the better. The best eggs to use come directly out of a chicken’s butt.
- water - This crucial ingredient can be obtained from any lake or puddle, but it’s actually quite easy to make at home. Just go to your kitchen sink and turn on the little knob marked with a “C.” Congratulations! You just made water!
- a medium-sized pot - this should be a pot that is larger than a small pot but smaller than a large pot.
- white vinegar - Be sure you do not use black vinegar, as this is a racist dish. You can also use lemon juice, but that woud involve squeezing a lemon, and not in the good Led Zeppelin way.
Start by putting water in the pot. You’ll want to put a few inches in it (TWSS!) and then put it on your stove and turn the heat onto high. Your goal here is to get the water boiling, so feel free to watch the pot the entire time (some people believe in the old phrase “a watched pot never boils,” but this is actually an inaccurate phrasing of the old medical adage “a watched boil never pops.”).
While you are waiting for the water to boil, crack an egg into a small bowl. Be careful to keep the yolk (the little yellow ball of goo) intact. If you break the yolk, then you have FAILED and should hang your head in shame. You are a terrible human being.
When the water is boiling, add a splash of vinegar or lemon juice. Reduce the heat to medium and begin stirring the water rapidly, to form a whirlpool in the middle. While stirring the water, hold the dish containing the egg just above the surface. Ask the egg “Still won’t talk, Mr. Bond?! Have it your way!” and then quickly slip the egg into the water.
Keep the water simmering, but don’t let it return to a full boil. Unlike your technique in bed, this should last more than two minutes. Every so often, stir the water gently to keep the egg moving. It should take a little less than three minutes for the white to be set and the yolk still runny. It might take up to four minutes. When the whites look solid, remove the egg with a slotted spoon, allowing as much water as possible to drip away from the egg.
Place the egg on a toasted English muffin. Or a piece of toast. Or the stomach of a person you find attractive. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, and add any condiments that strike your fancy (I like hot sauce because I’m extremely manly).
Enjoy the gooey golden goodness. Bask in the attention and adulation of your friends. Fuck you, Susan Goldstein.
Notes
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title. poaching eggs
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ABSOLUTE LEGEND.
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morning. (Please note...when I say “poached,” I mean I gently cooked
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