February 2012
1 post
Four horrible things you probably have in your...
1.) Kraft Parmesan cheese
Why you have it: You’re a lazy, stupid asshole.
Why you shouldn’t have it: Somewhere in Illinois, Kraft has a factory where it “manufactures” the stuff that it sells in those green cans. Unbeknownst to most, the “factory” is actually what is internally known as a “dandruff farm.” Kraft lures homeless people into the...
December 2011
1 post
2 tags
Would you like homemade cookies or candy delivered... →
anarchyandscotch:
Of course you do. Unless you’re a commie. You’re not a commie are you? I bet you’re not. I bet you want cookies delivered to your door.
For a mere $25 donation to benefit The Arthritis Foundation, I can make that happen. Cookies? Done. Brownies? Fuck yeah. Chocolate-covered pretzels? I’m on the motherfucker.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll be getting up early, tying jingle bells to my...
November 2011
5 posts
2 tags
correction, dammit:
For the Chorizo Queso: use only 5 ounces of the 10-ounce package of chorizo.
Apologies for the error!
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October 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Fiesta Food Fight Fiesta! Deadline Extension!
You have until Monday, 11/14 to submit your entry. Get cooking!
Details here.
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September 2011
2 posts
Carb-free Pizza (an original recipe that I...
Ingredients:
a half-empty bag of pre-sliced pepperoni that you don’t remember buying, but it doesn’t smell too bad so it’s probably OK
string cheese
a complete dearth of self-respect
Instructions:
1.) Stand over your kitchen sink and pause for a moment, so you can later convince yourself that you hesitated before doing this and hopefully salvage a scrap of dignity.
2.)...
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Iced Tease
You know that thing where you let people inside your house? Like, the UPS dude, Agent Clarice Starling of the FBI or Eric Northman? And you know how you always offer them a refreshing beverage? Well, I do that too. Most times that beverage is iced tea and the iced tea is sweet. BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE.
Of course you have your preferences and I have mine. I understand if...
August 2011
1 post
1 tag
July 2011
8 posts
whenthennow asked: re: pizza dough, if you go to Trader joe's they sell pizza dough for 99c a 12" pizza.
2 tags
This is how I do pizza.
And don’t you dare give me any “Oh, it’s a vegetarian pizza! What are you, some kind of hippie?” bullshit. No, motherfucker. It’s not a vegetarian pizza. I love meat. Meat is the fucking king. I kill things and I eat them and I don’t feel bad about it afterward unless it gives me the runs. However, I don’t always dig an...
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Invention Intervention
Being a fan of cramming things in my piehole means I read things on the internet about stuff to cram in there. A lot. And I vicariously devour the photos and the recipes, bones, hair and all. Okay, there’s no bony or hairy recipes I’m into, it’s a fucking metaphor. Just listen for a minute.
You know how on all the competition shows they’re always trying to find the next...
h0me-b0und-deactivated20111230- asked: God, I love your sense of humour.
6 tags
veggiesaurusx asked: Making random substitutions while baking has nothing to do with being a "culinary dumbass", in fact, it shows you know more about baking than someone who is afraid to stray from the recipe. If you understand the science of baking and have the talent to do this, go for it! And if you go for it and it's a complete failure, you learn from it and don't do that again. People like...
1 tag
5 signs you are a culinary dumbass
1.) You add oil to the water when you boil pasta. People add oil to pasta water thinking it will keep the pasta from sticking. They think this because they are morons whose time would be better spent sitting on their couches, watching Jersey Shore reruns and drooling slightly. You know the thing about oil and water? They don’t fucking mix.So when you add it to a pot of boiling water, you...
June 2011
4 posts
4 tags
The Art of Losing Gracefully
After losing THIS CONTEST to THIS GUY for THIS SANDWICH I said I would prepare said sandwich and eat it while wearing a dunce cap. As I am a man of my word I did prepare myself this sandwich last night, as shown here:
I was injured while making this sandwich, as i was hit by some bacon grease a couple times. However bacon grease injuries are the most delicious of all the kitchen injuries, so...
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We Have a Winner!
***The Spicy Bacon Beefsteak Sandwich***
Invented and presented by Rich, AKA anarchyandscotch who, as well as a classyfoodmofo contributor, is a professional eater.
(professional eater evidence)
Congratulations, Rich!
You will receive: The title of “Sandwich Mofo” and your winning entry will have a permanent link on the sidebar of the blog along with an official...
May 2011
11 posts
2 tags
Make Me a Sandwich - THE VOTING!
LOOK AT THOSE GLORIOUS SANDWICHES! Click thru to vote for your favorite!
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GOAT sandwich
Look, I’ve seen everyone’s sandwiches so far. And they look … tasty. Damn tasty. But they just. don’t. match. up.
Let’s face it. If you’re talking about sandwiches, you need only mention the hamburger, and frankly, the conversation is O-V-E-R over. I thought I’d see if anyone posted a good burger recipe before throwing my hat in the ring, but since the...
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The Spicy Bacon Beefsteak Sandwich
Fuck arteries.
Seriously, fuck those little bastards. What do they do? Nothing. They just get all clogged up when I eat delicious food and give my doctor an excuse to be an asshole. Pricks.
The way I see it, if my arteries can’t man up and handle a little red meat and bacon grease, they don’t deserve to carry my awesome blood. And it is in this spirit that I present to you …
...
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April 2011
12 posts
3 tags
Get yourself a salt bath, a rubdown, and a smoke
I’m in charge of the meat for my wife’s family’s Zombie Jesus Day dinner. I’m making a butt-load of smoked pork butt (GET IT?). The recipe for the rub I’m using was, until this very minute, a closely guarded secret. But I’m passing it on to you! The recipe was handed down to me by … well, me, about an hour ago when I came up with it. The brine recipe is...
2 tags
Go out to eat, fight HIV/AIDS. It's that simple. →
anarchyandscotch:
I rarely use this blog for anything other than my random bullshit ramblings, but this is something about which I feel strongly, and it’s an extremely easy way for people to contribute to some great causes. So bear with me.
Next Thursday, April 28, Dining Out For Life will take place in more than 50 cities across the United States and Canada. The concept is simple: eat at any...
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Lily Gilding FTW!
In celebration of those who came before us, taking simple, clean ingredients and transforming them into the stuff of dreams.
“What this lettuce needs is some chili.”
“Bake it once, shame on you. Bake it twice and double its volume, USA! USA!”
“Spinach: Confetti for cheese.”
“You’ll hardly know there are onions in there. And we can blame...
Meat for Two
Let’s say you are expecting a lady/gentleman caller.
Let’s say you have 5 hours before they arrive.
Here’s your breakdown of those 5 hours:
Get yourself a 3-4 lb roast, or preferably brisket from your local butcher. Get yourself 3-4 Anaheim Green Chiles. Now you can substitute jalapeños if you like, which will add heat, but subtract flavor, or you can use some canned,...
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Chicago Tribune: 30 Sandwiches in 30 Days →
It’s a good time to eat a sandwich in Chicago. So, to celebrate, we started eating, asking around for favorite sandwiches and testing. We trimmed several dozen suggestions down to 30 sandwiches we really liked. What was the criteria for inclusion? Good question, though really, there was one disqualifier: no burgers.
You come over by Chicago to eat or you go back over by where you live.
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intervention
I love fruits and vegetables. Always have, always will.
But let’s be honest about the fresh produce family: they think they’re a pretty big fucking deal.
Yes, fruits and veggies are absurdly, ridiculously good for you. They’re beautiful, and photogenic. And most of them are delicious.
But with so much to brag about, somebody’s ego has gotten a little out of control. The...
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Making burgers using the Smash Technique
Cheeseburgers. Is there anything more perfect on this planet?
A child’s love? Fuck that. Give me a cheeseburger.
Burgers have undergone a lot of transformation in recent years. A lot of hoity-toity chefs have started making gourmet burgers and serving them on crusty rolls and putting blue cheese and arugula and other bullshit ingredients on this once-great classic.
It’s time we take...
1 tag
March 2011
11 posts
2 tags
1 tag
How to Poach an Egg
Poached eggs are a wonderful treat. A properly poached egg served on a toasted English muffin is a positively beautiful sight on your breakfast plate. When done well, it’s like a little white pillow filled with gooey yellow love, nestled on a crunchy, golden disc of deliciousness.
And then you can pretend the egg is somebody you don’t like and prick it with your fork and watch the...