12:45 pm - Tue, Oct 15, 2013
40 notes

Because clearly you need more pumpkin in your life

It’s autumn again, and you know what that means. That’s right:

image

It’s time to add ADD PUMPKIN TO MUTHAPUMKIN’ EVERYTHING!

Now, you could go the traditional route and use canned pumpkin in your fall recipes. But if you’re like me - an overachieving lunatic - then you probably want to go the non-BPA, non-additive route and make your own.

Here’s what you do. You take a sugar pumpkin (a baking pumpkin, not one of those large, jack-o-lantern motherfuckers) and hack the stem off of it. Then you cut it in half and scoop all the stringy seed pulp out.

image

Now, for those of you who have been doing some angry blogging lately (you know who you are) this is the best part. What could be more therapeutic than slicing the head off of something, halving it, and then scooping its guts out? Trust me when I tell you that you will start out all dainty and careful, but by the end you’ll have given your pumpkin a name and will be wielding your nails like claws.

Now, if you’re extra granola, you can wash the pumpkin seeds off and roast them. It takes 15-20 minutes, but the feeling of smug superiority over people who choose to go out and buy their toasted pumpkin seeds lasts a lifetime.

Okay, so that’s pretty much all the prep you have to do. Bake your pumpkin halves (face down) at 350 for 45-50 min. Once it’s done, the pumpkin flesh will scoop right out of the skin. Or the “pulp” will scoop right out of the “peel”. Whatever. This pulpy stuff is good for use in things like risotto or soups. If you’re making a pie, you’ll need to purée it in, like, a blender or a ninja or what have you. I pureed mine because I’m making pumpkin chocolate chip cookies later. (It’s okay, I want to punch me too.) 1 pumpkin yields about 2 cups of purée which I store in baggies like so:

image

You could maybe freeze it? I don’t know I’ve never tried. I use mine within a few days. But why not, right?

So there you go. Who needs canned pumpkin? Not you. You are a badass. With maybe a little too much time on your hands. Whatever.

9:47 pm - Thu, Aug 22, 2013
4 notes
Q: Will you write a post on how to make a salad?
whenartemisshotthestars

Maybe sometime soon! This seems like the least terrible idea I’ve heard all day.

9:44 pm
4 notes
Q: Did you see the new Rachel Ray and Guy Fierri show on the cooking channel?
whenartemisshotthestars

No, because I believe in a Christian god.

11:43 am - Thu, Jan 17, 2013
26 notes

Henry’s Coconut Curry Cauliflower Mash recipe (that he learned from a book)

This dish is super tasty and takes about 25 minutes to make. It’s from the book The 4-Hour Chef. I’ve successfully prepared it 4 times now, so this is all from memory.

This dish serves 2 adults, and makes a nice side dish.

HERE’S WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

Equipment:

  • 1 medium-sized pot w/lid, something that can hold 3 qts (For example, I use this combo cooker)
  • Oven mitt
  • Fork
  • Food scale (optional)

Ingredients:

  • 1 floret of cauliflower (medium-large size)
  • 1 can of coconut milk (I recommend Thai Kitchen brand, unsweetened)
  • A handful of cashews (ideally, roasted and unsalted)
  • Salt
  • Curry powder
  • Cinnamon (optional)

PREP (stuff you can do ahead of time):

1) Rip up that floret of cauliflower. Pick off the leaves, then wrap the floret in a towel and use your big muscles to crush it until the stem comes off. Then pick out smaller florets. You want about 1.5 lbs in little white cauliflower trees. (Weigh that on a food scale, if you’ve got one, but most florets yield about this much.) Put the florets in the pot.

2) Open your can of coconut milk and stir it with a spoon. This stuff is yogurty at the top and liquid at the bottom. Carefully stir it so it’s all consistent, then spoon about half the coconut milk into the pot. (Put some plastic wrap over the top of that can and put it in the fridge. This recipe’s going to be so good you’ll want to make it again soon, so save the can for that.)

3) Crush up about 35 grams of cashews with your bare hands, you savage. This is roughly one handful, if you don’t have a kitchen scale. Put the cashews in the pot.

4) Add a little bit of water in the pot. About 2 teaspoons. Just enough so you have some liquid in the pot for when we boil this mofo later.

PICKUP (the part where you actually cook):

1) Put the pot on the stove. Set the stove to high, until the water / coconut milk mixture comes to a boil. After you’ve reached a boil, lower the heat to low/medium so the contents are simmering. You want the liquid in there to look vaguely pissed off but not quite boiling.

2) Cover the pot and leave it simmering for 20 minutes.

3) Remove the pot from heat, then take the lid off it. Add 2 three-finger pinches of salt and 1 three-finger pinch of curry powder. (A three finger pinch is you pinching the spice with your thumb, pointer, and index fingers. I don’t even know what this translates to in teaspoons or whatever, but it’s made it easier to remember the recipe.)

4) Put on an oven mitt and mash that cauliflower with a fork! (Seriously, wear the oven mitt, then hold the fork in your oven mitt hand.) The cauliflower should mash up nicely. I recommend holding the pot steady with your other hand, so get another oven mitt if you’re super rich and just have tons and tons of oven mitts from all your money.

5) Transfer the contents of the pot to a serving bowl, if you’re feeling fancy. Before eating, top your serving with a little bit of cinnamon. It adds a nice bit of sweetness.

6) Enjoy. Seriously, I got the motherfucking chills the first time I ate this, because holy shit I created this deliciousness myself.

6:41 pm - Wed, Mar 14, 2012
69 notes

In which I offer my review of the new Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell.

If you grew up in the ’80s, then you will likely remember a series of television commercials for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. For those of you who grew up in a subsequent and less awesome decade, just understand that there were a bunch of these commercials, but they all featured the same basic plot point: one person was walking down the street eating a chocolate bar while another person was walking down the street eating peanut butter from a jar. They collide and drop their respective snacks, and when they pick them up, they discover the two have intermingled. Or, as the witty dialogue always went:

You got peanut butter on my chocolate!

You got chocolate in my peanut butter!

The two quickly realize that the two flavors match together very well (the advertisers apparently seem to think we’ll believe that the concept of chocolate and peanut butter together did not predate 1982), and the idea for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups was born.

I hated these commercials because who the fuck walks down the street just eating peanut butter out of a jar with a goddamn spoon? Nobody, that’s who. Fuck you, advertisers.

I digress.

My point is that I imagine the idea for the Doritos Locos Tacos came about in much the same way. I envision a guy walking down the street eating Doritos out of a bag, who then collides with another guy who is eating Taco Bell taco filling out of a bowl. Because that’s pretty realistic.

Anyway, when I first heard that Taco Bell was coming out with taco shells that were made out of Doritos, my initial reaction was “How the hell is it 2012 and we’re only just now getting around to this?”

I decided that not only did I need to try this masterpiece, I needed to chronicle my thoughts on it for you guys. Because, let’s face it, your lives are pretty empty without my observations about meaningless shit.

The Doritos Locos Taco comes in two varieties: the standard Doritos Locos Taco and the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. Other than the shell, they are identical to their non-Doritos Locos counterparts. The regular taco has beef, lettuce and cheese, while the supreme justifies its title by adding sour cream and tomatoes.

I got one of each so I could give my impressions of both. I got other things, too, because I was hungry and did you guys know the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is on the regular menu now? I mean, holy shit, I don’t have to wait for it to come out as a special anymore and yeah, I might have ordered three, but FUCK YOU I’M TRAINING FOR A MARATHON AND I NEED THE CALORIES, OK?!?!

This is what the Doritos Locos Taco looks like.

As you can see, it not only comes wrapped in paper like all Taco Bell’s offerings, but it has a little paper holder thing. The paper holder thing is presumably there because Doritos, like many delicious flavored snack chips, will often transfer flavor dust onto your fingers while you eat them.

This is a considerate move by Taco Bell because they have astutely observed that Doritos flavor dust is not one of the more desirable flavor dusts to remove via the traditional method of sucking your fingers and hoping nobody judges you too harshly. There are some varieties of flavor dust that are wonderful. Cheetos dust, for example. Cheetos dust is like sucking powdered ambrosia from the finger of God (in this scenario, the role of God is being played by Christina Hendricks).

Doritos dust, on the other hand, loses a great deal of its desirability once it has left the chip. Taco Bell knows this, hence the paper holder thing. Unfortunately, the paper holder thing requires that you be quite careful in how big of a bite you take, lest you end up with a mouthful of paper holder thing. Which I did. And I blame Taco Bell. They should know I have a big mouth and take big bites. Assholes.

Paper holder thing notwithstanding, the first thought that came into my head upon biting into the Doritos Locos Taco for the first time was:

Huh. This tastes exactly like a Taco Bell taco, only with a taco shell made out of nacho cheese Doritos.

Now, to be fair, the main reason it tastes like a Taco Bell taco only with a shell made out of nacho cheese Doritos is because it is a Taco Bell taco only with a shell made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Can’t really fault T-Bell for that.

I’m not sure what I was expecting. The idea of mixing two of my favorite junk food indulgences seemed like it should be more than this. It was tasty, but I was disappointed. So I soldiered on to try the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme, confident that my enthusiasm would finally be justified by the addition of tomatoes and sour cream (a.k.a. Spooge of God).

This is the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme.

Like its cheaper little brother, the supreme model also boasts a flavor-dust-protecting-paper-holder-thing. I slid the concoction out of its sleeve and took a bite. And my initial reaction was:

Huh. This tastes just like a Taco Bell taco, only with a shell made out of nacho cheese Doritos, and with sour cream and tomatoes.

Again, I’m not sure what I was expecting. I mean, I wasn’t thinking I’d see the face of God or have angels singing in chorus, but would it have killed Taco Bell to make something where at least ONE angel sang to me? I’d even take one of the lame angels. I’m not asking for Michael or Gabriel. Surely, there’s an angel named Wayne who doesn’t really have anything much to do. Couldn’t he have sung to me?

So anyway, the Doritos Locos Taco tastes exactly like what it is, which is kind of disappointing for those of us expecting a lesser angel to sing to us. Worth trying, but it’s doubtful I’ll order it again.

I did, however, think of a mashup that needs to happen: a Cheesy Gordita Crunch inside a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Get on that, guys.

10:03 am - Mon, Feb 20, 2012
301 notes

Four horrible things you probably have in your kitchen and what you should be using instead.

1.) Kraft Parmesan cheese

Why you have it: You’re a lazy, stupid asshole.

Why you shouldn’t have it: Somewhere in Illinois, Kraft has a factory where it “manufactures” the stuff that it sells in those green cans. Unbeknownst to most, the “factory” is actually what is internally known as a “dandruff farm.” Kraft lures homeless people into the facility, and allows them to sleep in a large room that contains hundreds of cots. Each morning, after they wake up and move on with their days, Kraft has a giant machine that gently shakes each cot and it collects all of the dandruff, ships it to a processing plant, where it is ground into a consistent texture and placed in green cans labelled with “100% Real Parmesan Cheese.” They can legally do this because of a little-known piece of legislature that slipped under the radar at Congress, which reclassified dandruff as a type of cheese.

What you should be using instead: How about actual Parmesan cheese, dipshit? You can get it at any grocery store, and while it’s a little pricier than the stuff in the green can, you can at least take solace in the fact that you’re not feeding your family dried skin flakes from human scalps. Seriously, how lazy are you? Just look for a wedge of cheese that has a dark brown rind and is labelled “Parmesan Reggiano.” Keep it in your fridge (yeah, it might mold a little bit, but that’s what cheese does. Just scrape off the mold, nancyboy) and pull it out when you need it. Get a little microplane grater and grate it when you actually need to use it (once removed from the wedge, grated cheese loses flavor rapidly). It tastes infinitely better, it’s not particularly inconvenient and WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EAT PRE-GRATED CHEESE FROM A CAN ANYWAY DO YOU ACTUALLY NEED ME TO SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU JESUS CHRIST I HATE YOU.

2.) Table salt in a pre-packaged shaker

Why you have it: You’re somebody who thinks “Hey, salt is salt, so it doesn’t matter what kind I get.” You also think The Matrix Revolutions is the best movie ever made.

Why you shouldn’t have it: Oh, holy fuckballs, where do I even begin with this? First of all, all salt is not created equal. At all. At. Fucking. All. There are many varieties of salt, they are mined or evaporated from places all over the world and they vary wildly in quality and flavor. Some of the most exquisite flavors at the world’s finest restaurants are largely attributable to the salt used by the chefs. That stuff you’ve got in your little shaker that you think is as good as any other kind of salt? Yeah, that’s like comparing an 18-year-old single malt Scotch to a melted popsicle. It’s one thing to use that stuff at the table (which you still shouldn’t do) but if you’re using it for cooking, you should be banished from the kitchen forever and forced to live on saltines and ketchup for the rest of your life.

What you should be using instead: Damn near anything. Hell, transmission fluid would be a step up. At minimum, you should start using Morton’s Kosher salt. It’s nowhere near the best out there, but it’s inexpensive and will be a dramatic improvement. The grains are coarser, which makes them easier to handle, and they’re porous, so in dishes where the salt isn’t intended to dissolve completely, they’ll draw moisture out of the food to mingle with the grains, resulting in a more balanced flavor. If you’ve got the coin, look into some sea salts and finishing salts. The difference they can make in your food is extraordinary and even though some of them get a little pricey (unlike your mom), they’re used sparingly enough to last a long time.

3.) Pre-ground black pepper

Why you have it: You have no understanding of how spices work and in your spare time, you run over puppies with a lawnmower.

Why you shouldn’t have it: For the same reason you shouldn’t buy pre-chewed gum. For the same reason you shouldn’t buy light beer. For the same reason you shouldn’t listen to Public Enemy with Chuck D as the only rapper. It’s got no flava. Peppercorns, like all spices, rapidly lose their flavor once they’re ground. Like, within months. And since pepper is a nearly ubiquitous spice in cooking, it’s one that you want to keep as flavorful as possible. Because you suck, you probably use the pepper in its own shaker that came with the table salt you bought. Ugh. I can’t even stand to be addressing you directly.

What you should use instead: Whole peppercorns that you only grind when you need them. This should be obvious, but you’re a moron, so I’ll spell it out for you. A nice pepper mill is a worthwhile investment for your kitchen, but these days, you can even buy little plastic ones at the grocery store. Those aren’t ideal, but at least you’re still grinding directly from the peppercorn and preserving the flavor of the spice. Oh, and they also make salt mills, and you might be tempted to buy one of those because, again, you’re an idiot, but don’t be fooled. The flavor of salt does not deteriorate when it’s ground, so those little doohickies are a waste of money.

4.) Margarine

Why you have it: I have literally no idea. None. I cannot fathom what would possess a human being to use this stuff. Mental illness? Masochism? It’s a mystery.

Why you shouldn’t have it: This is hard to explain. It’s sort of like talking to a mother who gives her infant child live hand grenades as crib toys. If you have to explain why it’s a bad thing, what’s the likelihood she’s going to understand? Just think of it this way: you have two substances - one is made from naturally occurring ingredients, and the other is wholly artificial, much worse for your health, and is designed to taste like the other stuff, but isn’t nearly as good. If you have at least three functioning brain cells, you’ll choose the former. If you’re the sort of person who yells at the TV during The People’s Court, you have margarine in your refrigerator and I can only hope that Zuhl shows up the next time you open the door and eats you because you are not worth displacing oxygen on this planet.

What you should be using insteadBUTTER. Goddamn, how do you have the intelligence to use your computer and not already know this? I mean, just look at the ingredients on a pack of butter. See anything you can’t pronounce? (Well, what am I thinking? You use margarine, so you probably can’t pronounce “milk.”) Now look at the ingredients on a pack of margarine. Do you have any idea what most of that stuff is? Of course not. Then why eat it? It tastes worse and is likely to have trans fats (which do not occur in natural butter). Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you look at the ingredients on a label and you don’t know what any of them are, don’t fucking eat it. Go buy some butter, you dick.

1:05 pm - Fri, Dec 9, 2011
51 notes

anarchyandscotch:

Of course you do. Unless you’re a commie. You’re not a commie are you? I bet you’re not. I bet you want cookies delivered to your door.

For a mere $25 donation to benefit The Arthritis Foundation, I can make that happen. Cookies? Done. Brownies? Fuck yeah. Chocolate-covered pretzels? I’m on the motherfucker.

Tomorrow morning, I’ll be getting up early, tying jingle bells to my Asics, and running the Indianapolis Jingle Bell Run. There was a time not too long ago when my arthritis would have made that impossible. Thanks largely to the generosity of Tumblr, I’ve raised more than $1,000. Today is the last day to contribute and it is the absolute last time I’ll bring it up. (I know I said that yesterday, but I’M OFFERING YOU COOKIES, PEOPLE.)

Make a donation, send me a message with your request, and I’ll ship some baked (or dipped) goodness right to you. And while you indulge your sweet tooth, you can know that you helped the nearly 50 million Americans living with arthritis lead more comfortable lives.

To all of you who have contributed, to all of you who have reblogged my posts about this, to all of you who have hearted these posts, to all of you who have inexplicably continued to follow me while I inundate you with requests for money … thank you. Most sincerely. Thank you.

8:57 pm - Tue, Nov 15, 2011
30 notes
EMPANADAS
When there’s a house filled with people who can’t be quiet unless their mouths are full of food, make them food. But make it delicious food they’ll keep eating until they pass out. Otherwise they’ll just complain about how crappy the food is.
Empanadas are delicious pockets of mouth-shutting food. They’re the original Hot Pockets®. You can make them sweet (with fruits and/or nuts) or savory. That’s what we have here. Empanadas with Picadillo Cubano.
 
What you’ll need:
1 lb lean ground beef2 Tbsp olive oil 1 med onion, chopped 1 medium potato, peeled and diced 1 clove garlic, chopped 1/3 C water1 cup crushed tomatoes 1 Tbsp tomato paste 1 small jar green, pimento stuffed olives 1 small can sliced black olives 1/2 cup diced dried cranberries 2 Tbsp chili powder1 tsp crushed red pepper 1 tsp salt 1 tsp black pepper 1 can Grands Buttermilk Biscuits, 8 count



What you do:
Preheat oven to 350. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over med high heat. Add the potato and cook until it starts to soften, then add the onion and garlic. Cook until soft, then set them aside on a paper towel. Add the ground beef to the skillet and brown, then drain the fat. Return the potatoes, onions and garlic to the pan along with the chopped cranberries. the original recipe calls for raisins. FUCK RAISINS. Add the water, crushed tomatoes and tomato paste. Stir until mixed. Add both containers of olives and heat through. Mixture will be drier than a typical meat sauce. Remove from heat.
Open can of biscuits and roll between 2 sheets of waxed paper or parchment paper until at least double in diameter and much thinner. Place picadillo filling on one side of flattened round, approx 2 Tbsp per biscuit. Fold unfilled half over filling and crimp edges with a fork to seal. Poke holes in the top with fork to vent. Bake at 350 until tops and edges of empanadas are golden brown. Remove from oven and let cool at least 5 mins before serving.
If these don’t shut them up, you need less losery friends.

EMPANADAS

When there’s a house filled with people who can’t be quiet unless their mouths are full of food, make them food. But make it delicious food they’ll keep eating until they pass out. Otherwise they’ll just complain about how crappy the food is.

Empanadas are delicious pockets of mouth-shutting food. They’re the original Hot Pockets®. You can make them sweet (with fruits and/or nuts) or savory. That’s what we have here. Empanadas with Picadillo Cubano.

 

What you’ll need:

1 lb lean ground beef
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 med onion, chopped
1 medium potato, peeled and diced
1 clove garlic, chopped
1/3 C water
1 cup crushed tomatoes
1 Tbsp tomato paste
1 small jar green, pimento stuffed olives
1 small can sliced black olives
1/2 cup diced dried cranberries
2 Tbsp chili powder
1 tsp crushed red pepper
1 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 can Grands Buttermilk Biscuits, 8 count

What you do:

Preheat oven to 350. Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over med high heat. Add the potato and cook until it starts to soften, then add the onion and garlic. Cook until soft, then set them aside on a paper towel. Add the ground beef to the skillet and brown, then drain the fat. Return the potatoes, onions and garlic to the pan along with the chopped cranberries. the original recipe calls for raisins. FUCK RAISINS. Add the water, crushed tomatoes and tomato paste. Stir until mixed. Add both containers of olives and heat through. Mixture will be drier than a typical meat sauce. Remove from heat.

Open can of biscuits and roll between 2 sheets of waxed paper or parchment paper until at least double in diameter and much thinner. Place picadillo filling on one side of flattened round, approx 2 Tbsp per biscuit. Fold unfilled half over filling and crimp edges with a fork to seal. Poke holes in the top with fork to vent. Bake at 350 until tops and edges of empanadas are golden brown. Remove from oven and let cool at least 5 mins before serving.

If these don’t shut them up, you need less losery friends.

3:04 pm - Mon, Nov 14, 2011
3 notes

correction, dammit:

For the Chorizo Queso: use only 5 ounces of the 10-ounce package of chorizo.

Apologies for the error!

12:49 pm
76 notes

CHORIZO QUESO, MOTHERTRUCKERS

Are you from the south? Do you have strong feelings about the proper way that queso should be made? Good. I love pissing people off.

Just for you, tumblr, I slaved in my kitchen to try to figure out the best base for a good queso. I’m not from the south, so I don’t give a fuck about ‘tradition’. I just want the shit I put in my mouth to taste good. Or, at least not make me gag. So - I took a bullet for you guys. I spent $4 on a block of Velveeta, which was money completely wasted oh my god how do you get it past your lips I just don’t know.

Anyway. The Velveeta is history, and what we have here is a melty-cheesy-smoky-porky-spicy dip that you will want to lick off your girlfriend’s chest. Guaranteed to make you go ‘mm’ and other coital sounds.

Edit: listen, I know there are going to be people who will piss and moan about ‘home made salsa’. I get it. I just wanted to give you all a more simplified recipe. If you’re a bumper-sticker toting student of the month, go for it. I found a canned salsa I like that any of you fuckers can buy online if you want, which I thought would be important for those of you who might not have access to good salsa-making ingredients, or for whom making their own salsa might be overwhelming.

One more edit: I used ground Pasilla/Ancho peppers (two different names for the same thing) at the end to give it a nice kick. But feel free, if you can’t find Pasillas, or you have your favorite chili powder or if cayenne that you like, switch it out. But honestly - if you get the chance - try the Pasilla. It’s really tasty.

Overall, this recipe lends itself really easily to substitutions. You just have to be wary of your liquid/water content.

Ingredients:

  • 10 5 ozs pork chorizo (Note the correction)
  • 5 tbsp vegetable oil (I used canola)
  • 1 medium onion, diced finely
  • 1 7-oz can of Herdez salsa ‘Casera’, or other really good salsa (if you use Pace, I will kill you in your sleep)
  • 5 tbsp AP flour
  • 1 3/4 C milk or cream
  • 1 1/2 C grated mild cheddar cheese
  • 1 C grated pepper jack cheese
  • 3/4 tsp ground pasilla peppers
  • 5 tbsp sour cream
  • salt and pepper

How-to:

This is a fast recipe. After you’ve cooked the flour, move right through the following steps - be sure to be thorough, but don’t linger.

Fry up chorizo, remove from pan. In the same pan, add 1 tbsp oil and fry up onion for up to 4 mins (at least until translucent, I like ‘em smoky and caramelized). Add salsa, cook to reduce liquid. Add remaining oil and flour to pan and mix in well for around 1 minute, until flour is cooked. Add milk, stir until flour/onion mixture is well incorporated and smooth, at least 15 seconds, up to 1 min but not more. Don’t let it boil away. ( if it gets thick, shiny, and bubbly, you’ve gone too far and might need to add more milk). Add chorizo back to the pan and add both cheeses, and stir all together until cheese is completely melted and incorporated. (Note: if the queso refuses to be creamy at this point - if it’s stringy - then either your salsa was still too wet, you overcooked the milk, or your cheese portions were off. You’ll need to make up some more roux (oil + flour + milk mixture: 1 tbsp to 1tsp, cook, then add 1/4 cup milk) separately, and mix in to the whole pot. If one shot of this isn’t enough, do another. This works, but it takes a little time.) Stir in pasilla pepper, salt & pepper, and sour cream. Serve with chips, pour onto a burger, or eat with a spooooon.

This was a total hit at my book club football party.

12:05 pm - Wed, Nov 9, 2011
38 notes

goddamcommander:

1. Save a shit load of chicken skin and put it on a smoker to dry out and let it become crispy.

 2. Slice your favorite type of bun in half.  I chose to do a miniature slider style bun from a local bakery.

3. Dress it up with lettuce, tomato and mayo.  The lettuce and tomato make it healthy.

4. Cancel the healthy out with 3 or 4 pieces of crispy chicken skin.

5. Assemble, marvel at its beauty, chew, and be happy.

FIRST ENTRY INTO OUR LATEST COMPETITION.

Also, holy sweet baby jeebus it’s a crispy chicken skin sandwich. 

(via goddamcommander-deactivated2013)

1:44 pm - Tue, Nov 8, 2011
54 notes
lafix:

classyfoodmofo:

Fiesta Food Fight Fiesta!
We’re over a month into football season, or “snack season.” The holidays are hot on our tails, colder weather is creeping in and indoor gatherings are more common. So let’s share our favorite snack recipes.
Rules:
You must have a tumblr
Recipe must involve cooking (no meth!)
Recipe must contain at least 5 edible ingredients
You must photograph the ingredients, cooking process and finished product
You must post the photos, recipe and amusing commentary on your tumblr
Send your post permalink to classyfoodmofo at gmail - we’ll reblog
The recipes don’t have to be entirely original, but use your immagination. I’m sure you make an awesome Lipton French Onion Dip…ZZZzzzzzZZZZ. Be creative! Don’t Sandra Fucking Lee your way through your pantry.
The winner will receive a $20 Williams Sonoma gift card and a permanent link in the sidebar of classyfoodmofo to your winning blog entry.
Contest begins 10/10 and entries must be received by November 19th. Get cooking, motherfuckers, because it’s time to party!

I extended the deadline, AGAIN. I had thought we’d finish before Thanksgiving and maybe give people some snack ideas in the process. I’m going to be reblogging every few days until deadline to remind you. 
Come on and show everyone your awesome foods! Win stuff! Get laid!*
(*winner not guaranteed carnal knowledge of anyone/thing, but the notoriety might help)

lafix:

classyfoodmofo:

Fiesta Food Fight Fiesta!

We’re over a month into football season, or “snack season.” The holidays are hot on our tails, colder weather is creeping in and indoor gatherings are more common. So let’s share our favorite snack recipes.

Rules:

  • You must have a tumblr
  • Recipe must involve cooking (no meth!)
  • Recipe must contain at least 5 edible ingredients
  • You must photograph the ingredients, cooking process and finished product
  • You must post the photos, recipe and amusing commentary on your tumblr
  • Send your post permalink to classyfoodmofo at gmail - we’ll reblog

The recipes don’t have to be entirely original, but use your immagination. I’m sure you make an awesome Lipton French Onion Dip…ZZZzzzzzZZZZ. Be creative! Don’t Sandra Fucking Lee your way through your pantry.

The winner will receive a $20 Williams Sonoma gift card and a permanent link in the sidebar of classyfoodmofo to your winning blog entry.

Contest begins 10/10 and entries must be received by November 19th. Get cooking, motherfuckers, because it’s time to party!

I extended the deadline, AGAIN. I had thought we’d finish before Thanksgiving and maybe give people some snack ideas in the process. I’m going to be reblogging every few days until deadline to remind you. 

Come on and show everyone your awesome foods! Win stuff! Get laid!*

(*winner not guaranteed carnal knowledge of anyone/thing, but the notoriety might help)

9:48 pm - Wed, Oct 19, 2011
3 notes

Fiesta Food Fight Fiesta! Deadline Extension!

You have until Monday, 11/14 to submit your entry. Get cooking!

Details here.

5:44 pm - Mon, Oct 10, 2011
54 notes
Autumn. Why is it spelled with the ‘n’ at the end? I’m pretty sure it’s because the consonants felt outnumbered. Can’t have marauding gangs of vowels, running around, willy-nilly, changing their pronunciation every other word…
Sorry, I almost let my emotions get in the way of announcing a new classyfoodmofo recipe contest!
Fiesta Food Fight Fiesta!
We’re over a month into football season, or “snack season.” The holidays are hot on our tails, colder weather is creeping in and indoor gatherings are more common. So let’s share our favorite  original-ish recipe snacks.
Rules:
You must have a tumblr
Recipe must involve cooking (no meth!)
Recipe must contain at least 5 edible ingredients
You must photograph the ingredients, cooking process and finished product
You must post the photos, recipe and amusing commentary on your tumblr
Send your post permalink to classyfoodmofo at gmail - we’ll reblog
The recipes don’t have to be entirely original, but use your immagination. I’m sure you make an awesome Lipton French Onion Dip…ZZZzzzzzZZZZ. Be creative! Don’t Sandra Fucking Lee your way through your pantry.
The winner will receive a $20 Williams Sonoma gift card and a permanent link in the sidebar of classyfoodmofo to your winning blog entry.
Contest begins today 10/10 and entries must be received by November 1st. Get cooking, motherfuckers, because it’s time to party!

Autumn. Why is it spelled with the ‘n’ at the end? I’m pretty sure it’s because the consonants felt outnumbered. Can’t have marauding gangs of vowels, running around, willy-nilly, changing their pronunciation every other word…

Sorry, I almost let my emotions get in the way of announcing a new classyfoodmofo recipe contest!

Fiesta Food Fight Fiesta!

We’re over a month into football season, or “snack season.” The holidays are hot on our tails, colder weather is creeping in and indoor gatherings are more common. So let’s share our favorite original-ish recipe snacks.

Rules:

  • You must have a tumblr
  • Recipe must involve cooking (no meth!)
  • Recipe must contain at least 5 edible ingredients
  • You must photograph the ingredients, cooking process and finished product
  • You must post the photos, recipe and amusing commentary on your tumblr
  • Send your post permalink to classyfoodmofo at gmail - we’ll reblog

The recipes don’t have to be entirely original, but use your immagination. I’m sure you make an awesome Lipton French Onion Dip…ZZZzzzzzZZZZ. Be creative! Don’t Sandra Fucking Lee your way through your pantry.

The winner will receive a $20 Williams Sonoma gift card and a permanent link in the sidebar of classyfoodmofo to your winning blog entry.

Contest begins today 10/10 and entries must be received by November 1st. Get cooking, motherfuckers, because it’s time to party!

4:49 pm - Sun, Sep 18, 2011
48 notes

Carb-free Pizza (an original recipe that I invented about three minutes ago)

Ingredients:

  • a half-empty bag of pre-sliced pepperoni that you don’t remember buying, but it doesn’t smell too bad so it’s probably OK
  • string cheese
  • a complete dearth of self-respect

Instructions:

1.) Stand over your kitchen sink and pause for a moment, so you can later convince yourself that you hesitated before doing this and hopefully salvage a scrap of dignity.

2.) Open the bag of pepperoni and discard that little thing that you’re not supposed to eat.

3.) Unwrap the string cheese.

4.) Cram about a dozen slices of pepperoni in your mouth. Follow with a bite of string cheese.

5.) Chew, allowing your tears of self-loathing to aid in the digestive process.

6.) Repeat until you are out of cheese, pepperoni, and will to live.

Contributors
Install Headline